The past week has been an emotional roller coaster. I am pretty sure I hit every type of emotion in the past 4 days. This is why:
1. Dirt Poor.
2. Pregnancy Scare.
3. Almost every single baby in our classroom in teething. 8 teething babies a day.
4. Faith, UNchurch and dealing with the haters.
Let me expand on each point.
1. Dirt poor. Let me start by saying that I feel so blessed that Lucas and I have very good and secure jobs. We have been awesome so far by being really intentional about our spending and saving and we do not and will not own any credit cards. No matter how great you are at budgeting, circumstances arise when there is no other option but to find yourself dirt poor. This is the 1st time (and most likely not the last) we have been in this place as a married couple. Lucas’ old truck was a POS. (peice of shitaki minus the aki) We put a good bit of our savings into trying to “save” this vehicle only to find ourselves deeper in shitaki with this piece of junk. We did the whole 1 car thing for a while which was not the most fun situation. We finally saved enough cash to buy another truck that is very reliable and we bought it out of pocket. Around the same time, we also bought a stackable washer/dryer because the money and time we were spending at the laundromat was ridiculous. Then Christmas happened. We survived all of that but we found ourselves with barely anything in our account this last week of January- it all caught up with us. So we got creative- with our meals, with our trips and with how we generally lived this past week. It wasn’t fun but it wasn’t all that difficult either. Once our paychecks hit the next couple of days we can finally get back on track and caught up but it was still disappointing. In no way do I want pity for our situation- we are all good and can make it until Friday and hopefully we won’t hit rock bottom again and if we do it’s a good thing we are both creative and resourceful.
2. My first ever pregnancy scare. Only being married for 4 months I wasn’t prepared for this emotional torture. I was late 4 days (sorry male friends) which is rare for me because I am on the pill and it usually works like clock work and I know the exact day Mamma Nature is going to be knocking down my door.(sorry for the TMI, just getting real with ya) We also practice the double safe strategy. So, by day four I was exhausted from the emotional and mind games I was enduring. How could we be pregnant?!!? We have been so intentional about being safe. From being ridiculously worried to anxious and excited I was on a roller coaster from Hades. When Mamma Nature finally made her appearance I had the most unique emotion. I instantly found myself crying and disappointed that I was not pregnant all at the same time being utterly relieved by this realization. I found Lucas’ chest and cried on it. I know my heart (and Lucas’) is ready for a baby but our pockets say otherwise. We couldn’t even afford to buy a pregnancy test so how on earth could we provide for a baby? Will we ever get to the place where we are financially ready? Does that ever happen? I’m not sure but we sure are going to strive to be as ready as we can if possible.
3. Practically every baby in our room (which is at capacity) is teething. This means that my heart is breaking for each of them because it is so obvious that they are in a ton of pain. It also means lots of tears, diarrhea, fevers and overall grumpiness. 8 teething babies in one small room-wowzers. I am so fortunate to have 2 really, really amazing and lovely teachers (they are becoming more and more like family members every day) to team up with. I found myself on the verge of tears many times today but we made it through with lots of silliness and joking around because that was all there was left to do! I do after-care in the afternoons by myself with 4 babies. It was one of our sweet baby’s last day in our room because she is moving up to the next classroom. When I had to tell her Mom the news we both found ourselves crying! This tugged at my heart strings so much that I found myself in a heart break for the rest of the evening and even as I type this, I find myself misty eyed. To see this sweet baby girl grow from just a small infant to a crawling, rolling, babbling and full of personality baby it was such a honor to be a small part of her growing process. Even though this job can be really exhausting (emotionally and physically) it is so rewarding because of the love that you develop and nurture for each baby. I have another sweet baby girl moving up on Monday and I know that I will be in another emotional wreck having to let her go. (Of course, this is all being amplified by Momma Nature)
4. I am truly trying to be true to my convictions and right now I’m convicted for those who have suffered emotional torture and abuse from the Church. I have so much support but I still find it exhausting to try to be polite and loving to those who try to convince me otherwise. It is so much easier to hear the hurtful words than the supportive ones especially paired with the other circumstances listed above that have occurred the past 2 weeks. Again, I do not seek pity but a girl’s gotta be real. When I felt like I might just collapse from work and wondering if we were pregnant I was about to call it quits (I’m not sure how I would actually do this or what that would even look like- fleeing the country maybe?) I knew I was responsible for hosting UNchurch since I planned it and all. I honestly was unsure if I was in the right state of mind or emotion to be leading anything, particularly a group revolving around faith and life’s big questions. There was not time to cancel and I am not one to give up so I pushed through my work day and tried to motivate myself for the start of something that I feel passionately nervous about- mostly because I have a feeling this is a part of something much bigger. I can not tell you how alive and well I felt during our conversation and time of getting to know each other’s backgrounds and stories. I was amazed by our group’s diversity (age, experience, back ground) and yet the very similar unifying experience- we have all experienced some type of hurt, rejection, lie or abuse from our faith experience- mostly committed by various members or congregations of churches. We all though, from what I gathered weren’t completely crippled from it, we felt called to do something about it. I know I felt alive. My heart was stirring and my mind was engaged. At the same time though, I felt I have found a really safe place to talk openly and honestly while feeling connected to every person there. I finally felt some comfort after being damned to hell by many (this is not me poking fun at the situation, people have literally damned me to hell after my last few blogs) and I felt so relieved and at peace for the first time in a while. My heart and soul has been yearning this for some time.
So, basically it turns out that no matter how planned and intentional you are, life is an epic journey filled with twist, tangles, avalanches and valleys. Your going to fall on your ass. Some will mock you for it but the good news is that there’s always someone (or many people) that are going to help you up and push you to keep walking, running even. I want to be the type of person that helps others get up and start running towards something better because I have been fortunate enough to have been the person who fell on her ass (on a daily basis, sometimes) and was/is lifted up by many. May we all strive to be the person who uplifts the other!